This month, in the Green Room, comedian Richard Lett takes on: sex with strangers, sex with people you know, or sex with anyone at all, goddammit!
The Green Room
by Richard Lett
Spring has sprung and with it, my desire to have sex with strangers. Is it just me, or have women stopped have sex lately. Actually, I think it is me. I think women are having sex, lots of it, just not with me.
Is it just me? Of course its fucking ME! I've got baggage.
And I'm not just talking about the molson muscle that makes
dirty jeans more comfortable. I got an ex-wife, daughter,
mother, sisters, girlfriends, friends who are girls, female
colleagues, everywhere, all over the place.
The problem is, the more I get to know women, the less I
wanna have sex with them. And its not because I don't love
women. It's because I do. In order to have sex with a woman.
I am required to woo, cajole, charm and eventually attack
and force sexual advances on her. It's this last part that
troubles me. Having been taught, (in a shrill and high volume)
the sanctity of a woman's body, plus my growing awareness
of women as people, has left me unwilling, perhaps incapable,
of making the aggressive moves required.
I know what you're saying - FAG! That's what booze is for!
I know, but who do you meet in bars. Lushes and Waitresses.
I know I can drink. 200 pounds of Irish genetics allow me
to process an alarming amount of alcohol, without lying and
cheating and stealing and drinking everything in the house,
leaving the other person with nothing but destruction and
a lingering memory of the best piece of ass of his life, like
the last girlfriend I met under the influence, did. So I'm
trying to avoid the lushes.
The last waitress I was with made the moves on me. Unfortunately,
she was working at comedy club I was working at. Number 1
rule of comedy. Don't fuck the waitresses! The shit she stirred
up cost me a 1200US gig, and left me with nothing but the
lingering memory of the worst piece of ass I ever had.
Is it just me? I was at an awards ceremony the other night,
and in attendance were two ex-girlfriends. One is a lush,
who maintains an unhealthy amount of hostility towards me.
She must've really liked me, to hold onto such hate for so
long. The other, a waitress, still has a lot of affection
for me, but is now married to the owner of the bar. (The reason
to avoid the waitresses where you perform; if you find them
attractive, chances are so does the guy who hired them, and
signs your checks too...)
You see, I have special women in my life. I'm just not taking
off their clothes and shoving my erect penis inside them.
Seems reasonable to me. As a result, none of these women can
dictate, scrutinize, complain or demand. And I kinda like
that. They have no control. I have - and at a relatively cheap
cost. Meanwhile, the girls are out getting it. Or saying they
want it, which is a small step away from getting it. These
special women have no trouble telling me about the sex they're
having, and I DON"T ENVY IT! Is that bad. Is it just me?
But Rick, are you happy, are you successful, are you okay?
I don't know, but I know I don't miss hearing about it. One
friend suggested that the negativity I've been feeling is
being projected onto all these other women. Yeah, whatever.
I could never live without women. Honestly, the planet wouldn't
be worth living on without women. But I can live without sex.
I'm not negative, really. I just like my own set of rules,
being me and not having to hear about it. Maybe going without
isn't so bad after all... Is it just me?
Contact The Green Room at 5a7@avivalasvegas.com. Make sure to put The Green Room in the subject
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