Dr. A. is a resident physician in family medicine in Montreal. Yes, a real doctor! Call it a cyber-house-call, call her Dr. A, just make sure you email her for answers to your queries on sex and health. When avivalsvegas got wind of this column, she tried to bill the zine as a medical journal, but her marketing people put the brakes on that. Of course, the lawyer had to jump in too, as you can see from the caveat below. So go ahead, ask away, it's "Sex Drive Live" and the Doctor is in the house.

Sex Drive Live: Q & A with Dr. A

Dear Dr. A,
I need help with something I got up to last Saturday night. Call me nutty, call me George Michael, but I let someone put a huge dildo up my butt. One minute I was down with the action and the next I was impaled by something the size of a child's arm. Now, a week later, I can hardly stand the pain! I have a bump on my, well, you know, and it is excruciating to sit down. I don't think it is a hemorrhoid - not that I am an expert but I'm pretty sure it is not in this case. Anyhow, while I am solidifying my case that it is superior to remain a top and not a bottom, I am in PAIN! Please help!
Signed,
Oops there goes another maverick dildo

Dear O.T.G.A.M.D.,
I certainly hope you did not wait for my response before going to see a doctor which is what I suggest you do (quel surprise!) First of all I'll assume this bump you speak of is on or near your anus since you seem a bit shy to tell me (surprising, considering the rest of your letter). There are a few possibilities that come to mind. External hemorrhoids are always a possibility, although this would not likely be related to your recent dildo use. When a blood clot develops in an external hemorrhoid this can be extremely painful. Treatment consists of anaesthetic and cortisone ointments and frequent baths. Sometimes a surgeon may remove the clot.

An STD is always a possibility. Most do not cause severe pain. However, syphilis can present with a painful chancre near the anal margin. Another cause of pain and a bump in the anal region is a perianal abscess (i.e. a collection of pus near the anus). This occurs when the glands inside the anus become infected. This can cause redness, swelling, and pain near the anus. Trauma in this region would be a predisposing factor.

Perianal abscesses must be opened and drained surgically, usually under local anaesthetic. Antibiotics are often prescribed. Follow-up with the surgeon is important as complications may occur. Hopefully you don't have an abscess. If so, many warm baths await you. And yes, you may need to stick to being a top for awhile.

To all you readers who enjoy sticking things in your asses, some simple advice...When choosing an object to put in your ass consider the caliber of what comes out of it. Try not to exceed this.

Dear Dr. A,
How do I keep from pussy farting when I'm getting it from behind? This is not usually a problem when I'm on my back but put me on my hands and knees (especially if he's BIG! Cuntworks Explosion! Help!
Signed,
Airy Pussy

Dear A.P,
A semi-extensive search of the medical literature turned up nothing on this topic (although picking keywords ain't easy) so I'll just have to give you my personal theory. Somehow certain sexual positions allow air to be pushed into a woman's vagina. What goes in must come out, hence the vaginal flatulence (to use an only very slightly less distasteful term) to which you refer. This is normal!!!

If you insist on attempting to temper this God/dess-given "explosion" the only thing I came up with to suggest to you is keigel exercises to strengthen the muscles of your pelvic floor. This may decrease the amount of air that gets in and thus the amount which must escape. The pelvic floor muscles are those we use to stop the flow of urine or tighten around a guy's penis during intercourse.

To increase the tone of these muscles start by contracting them hard for a second, then releasing completely. Do this ten times. Over a few weeks try to work up to twenty sets of ten each day. You should start seeing an improvement in muscle tone in a few weeks. If you do try this let me know if it helps or doesn't at all so we can spread the knowledge about this particular phenomenon. On the other hand, why is it that guys don't find this as hilarious as when they fart?
Signed,
Dr A,

Contact Sex Drive Live at dr.a@avivalasvegas.com.

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