Gotta sex question? Ask Retired Whore, our highly experienced sex columnist. Maybe she's the waitress serving you your morning coffee or maybe the lady at the tollbooth. Either way, she's our answer to Larry Flynt, Howard Stern and Dr. Ruth, all rolled into one sexy package.

Retired Whore

Dear Retired Whore,
I live in an apartment with paper thin walls and I’ve had my fair share of screaming neighbors, if you know what I mean. Being on the receiving end of this doesn’t bother me too much. After a while the noise just becomes another background noise, like running water or a stereo. But, recently I ‘ve become the noise maker. While on one hand I’m proud of this, on the other I’m feeling self-conscious about it. Everyone knows self-consciousness gets in the way of good sex!

For example the other day, in my boyfriend’s shared house, we started our business and his roommate was downstairs. Then just as we were getting into the heavy stuff, she starts puttering around in the room right next to his. By this point we were too far into it to get up (or want to get up) to turn on the radio. Because of her presence next door I found myself partially focused on my noise level rather then entirely focused on my personal enjoyment. Which is just not right! I think I have it bad, I can only imagine what it’s like for parents with children or single parents with partners. Any full proof solutions? Enlighten us please.
Too Turned On To Turn It On, Amsterdam

Dear TTO,
There is definitely nothing like expressing yourself vocally during heated sex. Who wants to fuck with sealed lips? The "Woos!", "Ahs" and "Oh babys" add to the pleasure of it all. By the sound of your letter, you’re getting great pleasure from your partner. But- yes, hitting those high notes isn’t always possible since, at times we have to be considerate of our neighbors, roommates and of course, children. I find the LST method works wonders. LST method is; Lick, Suck and Talk your way through sex. Just when you feel the urge to scream or moan really loud, lick your partner’s shoulders or neck. Suck on an earlobe or nipple. Talk your way through an orgasm by whispering, " I’m coming! Oh! Yes! I’m coming! See … FUN.

More LST tips: Lick or suck their fingers or better yet, your own fingers. SEXY! Talk about how good your partner is making you feel by whispering how bad you really want to scream. Using your hands can also help. Rub their back or squeeze their bum. These are just a few of many ways to distract yourself from making loud, fucking-music. Use your imagination and I’m sure you’ll come up with a few ways on your own. You can enjoy self-conscious yet freer sex. Also, don’t forget to always take advantage of your time alone: roommate in the shower equals quickie over the kitchen counter.
Happy Wanton Whispering
RW

Dear Retired Whore,
Lou Paget, author of the book, The Big O! How to Have Them, Give Them and Keep Them Coming, knows something about a string of pearls being good not just for wearing around your neck. What does she know and how does it relate to orgasms? Can pearls be a girl’s best friend?
Curious, Seattle.

Dear Curious,

Toys, Toys and more Toys! Almost anything can be turned into a bedroom toy to be played with alone or with a lover. It just takes an imaginative kinky mind. LIKE MINE! So when I read your question on pearls I went into sexual la la land.

A few kinky ideas popped into my head (expensive anal beads with a very strong string, for one). My curiosity got the best of me. I found myself at a bookstore flipping through Lou Paget books. Interesting reading, even for a gal like me, who thinks she knows it all.

I got quite a surprise when I found the pearl necklace reference. WOW! Not what I had in mind. Lou Paget suggests using them on a guy’s penis. Dental floss style under his balls or wrapping the pearls around his cock (watch that clasp though…ouch) or with a basket weaving motion using your hands stimulate him to ecstasy. Bravo Lou Paget! I recommend her books. As for orgasms related to pearls? Orgasms are an individual thing, so if you think you can achieve a orgasm using pearls then I’m sure you’ll find a way. Don’t be afraid to explore.
HAVE FUN!
RW

RW TIP: Only use your pearls on him if he’s the one who bought them for you. Pearls, a girl’s and boy’s best friend.

Dear Retired Whore,
I’m planning a trip to Vegas in a couple of months and was wondering if there are any places to go, to have sex with other couples? Not actually with them, but in the same room. Like you see on those "real live" sex shows. Or maybe you can direct me to the right websites? Thanks.
Vegas Vixen, Vancouver

Dear V V,
I did a search on " sex in Las Vegas" for you, but nothing of interest came up. Although, I’m sure if I took a more hours of internet time I’d find something. NOT! I suggest, once you’re in Vegas go to some good old-fashioned sex shops and ask. Or look for magazines, newsletters or flyers with sex and alternative life-styles content. Also classified ads might have what you’re looking for.
Good luck.
RW.

Contact the Retired Whore at 5a7@avivalasvegas.com. Make sure to put Retired Whore in the subject line.

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