Who the hell writes this column anyway? Wasn't it supposed to be avivalasvegas? How the hell did her publicist get stuck with the job? Who hired her anyway? Well, we should have known better. avivalasvegas is hard at play, and left us all to do the work. Typical. Oh well, we love her anyways. Join avivalasvegas's publicist, as she ghostwrites "Poutine Talk."

Poutine Talk
(letter from the editor)

ghostwritten by: avivalasvegas's publicist:

For those of you unfamiliar with the term poutine, let me give you a short description and see if you recognize this. It's warm...it's wet...it's sticky...it's even a bit salty...admit it, you like it, as a matter of fact, you love it. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Which brings us to Valentine's Day. Not as popular as poutine, I can tell you that right off the bat. Of course, the friends who form one half of a happy couple, they love Valentine's Day. They don't even flinch when I tell them to enjoy themselves and not worry about me.

"I'll be home, alone, once again, gorging myself on chocolate, by myself, downloading porn on the Internet."

"That sounds fun," they say, and giggling, or something, hardly listening, too engrossed in each other.

There are those who hate Valentine’s Day and consider it to be a highly commercialized whitewashing corporate America type of thing. These are never the friends in the happy relationships. These are more like the friends that spend Saturday nights drinking at home alone, and jerking off to OLN (the outdoor life network.) Okay, okay...I confess. That’s me. I particularly enjoy, what I like to refer to as surfer porn.

Is porn the new Seinfeld of the year 2001? Everyone's watching it, no one is sure exactly why, and watching nothing happen when everyone is naked and licking each other, is really not so bad. Even if you’re not personally getting laid, you still feel as if you are part of the experience...and that’s what sells these days, baby, is experience. Think outside the box. Well, my box is the last place I want to think in, I tell you. It always gets me in trouble.

Finally, let me tell you a little bit about the avivalasvegas launch party. That's how we decided to spend our Valentine's Day this year. I mean, who would miss that party. Even if you're on avivalasvegas's "b list" you still came crawling (you know who you are.) Lots of beautiful people, lots of hard bodies, lots of booze and laughter. I almost picked up, but then realized it was the underage bus boy and had to pass. Oh well. Won at roulette though, and had the guy next to me eating hors d'oeurves out of my cleavage by the end of the night.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day to all the single urbanites out there. You are not alone...so turn on the web cam and get out there and mingle babies. All coupled up? Yeah, you too. May I suggest a little poutine fondue?

Well, that's it for now. Maybe next time we can hold avivalasvegas down long enough to write this column herself. Until then, signing off as avivalasvegas "Ta-ta. Stay Beautiful (or you're fired.)"

Contact Poutine Talk at 5a7@avivalasvegas.com. Make sure to put Poutine Talk in the subject line.

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