At McCool's Speakeasy, she's offering up the 2001
virtual version of the speakeasies of Prohibition. Open 24
hours, no prohibition here. Always entertaining, not always
coherent, this after hours joint is your number 1 spot for
pop-cultural speculation. Tonight at McCool's Speakeasy she's
serving up the waitress rant in 6 juicy parts. From Quentin
Tarrantino Tipping Theory to Waitress Fantasies, join in and
don't forget to tell her that avivalasvegas sent you.
McCool's Speakeasy
Part I: The Waitress Rant: intro.
I thought it only made sense to dedicate my very first article
as a rant to The Profession. Can you guess which profession
I am speaking of? No! I'm not in the sex trade-all you cyber-perverts
out there! But I do sell myself...as a waitress.
'A waitress?' you say. 'I don't wanna read about some dumb
ass waitress bitch!' Well, I challenge you. If the only restaurant
you've ever eaten out at is McDonald's, well, then you're
free to go, to the sex column if you must. Anyone else? Well,
you have to stay. That's fair, isn't it? So now that I've
got you here you little gluttons, well, listen up.
Part II: Two kinds of customers
Waitressing is so much more than mindlessly carrying food
and drinks to people. As a waitress, you're subject to atrocious
'human' behavior that causes you to question our very existence.
"Evolution? How far we have come?" I am often left with the
very discouraging answer: "not very far".
Waitressing for me, has confirmed all too clearly the sad
state of our society. If you've never been a waitress, this
may sound like an exaggeration. All of those that have waitressed
are nodding furiously right now yelling: 'No, she's not exaggerating!'
and thinking: 'dis chick's down with it'. Why thank you!
You see, serving people day in, day out, day in, day out,
day in, day out, (oh, sorry I'm skipping!) has left me a bit
jaded. It leaves me with no choice but to believe that when
SOME people-and you know who you are even if you deny it to
yourself late at night before falling asleep-go out to eat,
they lose all basic common sense and courtesy. There are of
course those who are very sweet and restore your faith in
humanity, but writing about them would bore you to tears.
So let's continue.
This first group of restaurant goers act as if they are in
some kind of 'free for all' zone, where they can toss all
their manners aside and be the spoiled brat that lurks deep
inside them. I swear, there's a horror movie in there somewhere.
Yep, the age-old theory that people who have no power or
authority in their own life seek their solace in restaurants
by tormenting 'yours truly' is not so far fetched. 'But why?'
"Why?" I ask myself the same question.
Part II: Quentin Tarrantino Tipping Theory
Well, you couldn't talk about waitressing without talking
about the ever so controversial 'tip'. I believe the 'tip'
to be a large part of the answer to my no longer (thanks to
my neurosis) rhetorical question.
Yes that's right, the 'tip' concept is the underlying reason
for the bizarro behavior us waitresses encounter, that sets
us apart from all other service industry workers. Which also
breaks us, it seems.
'Isn't it ironic?'- 'Don't ya think?' Not really, think about
it, everybody knows money is the root of all evil. Because
the 'tip' money is expected, but still left up to the discretion
of the customer, it puts them in a position of power. If the
customer isn't especially fond of the "tip concept", perhaps
due to an attachment to money), this often leads to an abuse
of power.
My theory is that the way a customer treats a waitress is
directly related to how they feel about the 'tip', themselves,
and life in general.
'Oh! Come off it!' 'She's way off!’ you're thinking?
Hear me out. Consider the opening scene of the movie Reservoir
Dogs. I'm going to take the liberty and assume everyone has
seen it ‘cause if you haven't, you have no place here.
When two bank robbers argue about the post-breakfast, pre-bank
robbery 'tip'. Mr. White is respectful of the 'tip' and wants
to leave a generous one. Mr. Pink is bitter about the 'tip'
(and everything including the fact that he's Mr. Pink) and
doesn't want to put in his fair share. The argument that unfolds
is one about the 'tip', not the service, which, by the way,
everyone except Mr. Pink is satisfied with.
Mr. White feels that waitresses work hard and understands
that they rely on their tips due to their low hourly wage.
Mr. Pink is of the belief that waitresses are generally undeserving
of a tip. Only if they put on a show (or as one of his fellow
robbers suggests, ‘take him in the backroom’)
are they tip-worthy.
In this scene, Tarantino 'imitates life' with wit and expertise.
The truth is restaurant goers fall into two major categories:
The Mr. Whites', who we salute, not only for their tips but
also for their overall behavior. And then the 'Mr. Pinks'
whom we write and curse about.
Tune is again for the rest of the rest of the waitress rant
where you can learn:
- you are a Mr. Pink or Mr. White
- about waitress fantasies
- the top Ten Commandments of waitressing, including the
forgotten commandment.
So, Happy New Year y'all! Welcome to the new millennium and
McCool's Speakeasy. Virtually everybody with balls and humor
can join in and virtually anything goes! Feel free to write
in with your opinions. Hell, we may laugh and sneer at them
but you'll never know.
For Part 3 & 4 of the Waitress Rant, see archives March/01.
Contact the speakeasy at 5a7@avivalasvegas.com.
Make sure to put McCool's Speakeasy in the subject line.
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