Boobs the Bartender

Join our favorite bartender, Boobs, for her featured drink and best bar story of the month. She hears 'em all, from happy hour to closing time, and proves that sexy and wise are not mutually exclusive.

Boobs the Bartender

The “Mama Maria” Martini

Created in honour of our favourite
“Red Hot Mama”.

A single:

2 oz Russian vodka
1 oz Fresh ruby red grapefruit juice
A splash of Cassis
Garnish with large frozen cranberry

A batch:

Makes 3 “killer” drinks…

Fill a large martini shaker loosely with ice add I cup of Russian vodka, one cup of fresh ruby red grapefruit juice and a splash of Cassis. Shake, pour and add 3 large frozen cranberrys.

This makes a lovely tasting pink martini with “POW”!

The Celibate Person’s Guide To Feb. 14th

There is magic in our sense of longing.

Being a bartender to the avivalasvegas crowd I feel it my duty to put this guide out into the cyber - universe to be considered as you sip this month’s “Mama Maria” Martini.

It is not your bartender’s job to anoint any nuggets of negativity, only to lightly pass along some e good-hearted suggestions that may make you feel good in lieu of sex. Above all I suggest to people that most likely they will have sex again.

Firstly , you are not a loser because you choose to or are unavoidably nowhere near enjoying any physical love in your life.

What about lowering standards in general? This doesn’t work I’m afraid.

Do not launch into a round of “Looking for Mr. Goodbar-ish” visits to night clubs. No need to troll in scheming desperation for some love/sex. Often this type of reckless search ends up making strange bedfellows. A celibate person never has to dread making this kind of mistake .
Contemplate the face of the person telling you about the bliss of the sex they are going to, or have had. Compare it to the expression you’ve seen when they’re locked in recounting the misery of despair about a lover’s hurt.
Eat as much chocolate as possible. Those gifted with the traditional chocolates and flowers are often on a diet and ready to share (and indeed give away) their prizes for being more “fuckable” than you. Mockingly read a really bad historical romance as you eat this chocolate. Mentally rewrite all the sex scenes adding irony and humour.
Avoid the hype- at least mentally. DO NOT review the former loves of your life or endlessly replay favourite sexual encounters.
Know that no one actually wears all that cheap lingerie. Buy yourself something nice as an “I love me” gift.
Imagine the best possible mate you could have and make them gay. Having no one won’t seem so sad.
Make crank calls to former lovers.
Start rumours about former lovers.
Rejoice that STDs are no longer an issue in your life.
With all sexual urges dulled after years of abstinence- relish in being so hopelessly clued out.
Buy yourself the best bottle of champagne you can afford.
Look directly into the eyes of any appealing stranger then later imagine having sex with them.
Feel good that no one ever gets to hear your snoring, you have to shave less.
and you never experience sexual rejection.
Finally embrace that sense of longing and make it magic. Optimism will make you attractive. Pent up desire will give you an endless supply of passion to call upon on the next Valentine’s Day when you do have someone to love.

Contact Boobs the Bartender at 5a7@avivalasvegas.com. Make sure to put Boobs the Bartender in the subject line.

Join our favorite bartender, Boobs, for her featured drink and best bar story of the month. She hears 'em all, from happy hour to closing time, and proves that sexy and wise are not mutually exclusive.